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I am marking three months of being sober and looking for guidance on helping my eleven-year-old neurodivergent son. Through rehab and AA, I've reached this milestone, though my drinking escalated over the past two years. Previously, I was sober for the initial six years of his life.

The Effect of Past Challenges

In the final stages, my drinking was non-stop, and my son witnessed me out of control and deeply unhappy. He developed a feeling of duty, believing he was the only one who could prevent me from drinking by physically removing bottles. I feel deeply regretful about this. I have often explained to him that only I can manage my behavior.

He lived with his father for a few months—we divorced five years ago, but his father is supportive of my sobriety. He returned back in with me when he began high school in September. Confidence between us is slowly growing as he observes that I am sober and putting all my energy into improving.

Present Difficulties and Emotions

My son remains overly watchful and anxious about my safety. As a result, he is very restrictive of my actions—in part due to anxiety about my drinking, but also because he is autistic and uneasy about unexpected changes. I am working on confidence and limits; it would be easy to yield to his requests, but that isn't appropriate as a caregiver. It's challenging as I also feel very remorseful.

I reached out to Children’s Services while in treatment, and we are waiting for help for my son from local substance abuse support. Meanwhile, I feel really uncertain about how to talk with him. I don't want to make him upset, but I also don't want to ignore the previous events. In what way do we move forward?

Expert Advice on Recovery

Children need to feel safe, particularly after unpredictable times when they couldn't be sure if their parent could protect them safe. They might be concerned about raising these topics now. Kids often think things are their fault—taking the blame rather than their guardians, as the alternative feels overwhelming. Being autistic can intensify these feelings.

People in active addiction frequently make promises they might not be able to fulfill. It can be hard for family members to determine what to believe.

It is not unusual for those in active addiction to offer apologies they cannot maintain. This means, family can find it challenging to believe them. In addition to limits, it's very crucial to be reliable and show your son that situations have improved, rather than just saying him.

Practical Steps for Communication and Assistance

Focus on him adjusting at his new school and establish a good schedule. Next, present the idea that no subject is off the discussion table—if that is indeed the case. Dinner times can be a suitable moment to talk, as can side-by-side activities like walking or traveling, since they require minimal direct gazing, which some people find overwhelming. Maybe there's an hobby you and your son enjoy doing together? Don't think "we need to discuss," but seek chances for dialogue and let them occur naturally. Additionally, think about your son's preferred way of communication—it might not be speaking; it could be through writing, or a mix of both.

It is important for him to know that his safe place besides home might be with his father. You should avoid feeling hurt if he wants to go there sometimes. This isn't a sign you've done poorly—this is a journey that won't be straightforward.

Separating Your Needs from His

It's vital to separate your requirements from your son's. Ensure you're not comforting him to make yourself feel better—for your own relief—because you can't do that through your son. You can better focus on what he needs if you receive good support yourself.

You're doing great progress. Continue forward.