🔗 Share this article

Her Experience: Discovering Her Non-Sexual Nature

Sarah, 37: I have never enjoyed sex. As a child, I thought flawed because people put it on a pedestal.”

The sole topic that Cameron and I have differed about is intimacy in our relationship. Upon getting together nine years ago, sex was clearly something he desired more often than I did. Following six months of seeing each other, we chose to experiment with an open arrangement so that Cameron could pursue people who are more sexual than I do.

Initially, there were moments of insecurity at first, but our connection was deepened thanks to open dialogue, and I eventually felt very confident in our love. This has been a great benefit for both of us, because I’ve never craved sex. In my younger years, I felt broken because others emphasized its importance, but I couldn’t grasped the appeal about it.

Upon finding an asexuality resource on social media in 2021, it was an eye-opener. I was shocked, because previously I identified as a sexual person – I find solo sex satisfying, and I engaged in a lot of sex in my 20s. But I believe I participated in a lot of that sex since I experienced shame – a remnant of my youth in a culture that implies it’s necessary to meet others’ expectations.

This information helped me understand was that the asexual identity is a diverse continuum. To illustrate, I don’t have libido, regarding people who I find very aesthetically pleasing. I enjoy their appearance, but I don’t want to be intimate with them. But I appreciate experiencing release. In my view, it’s pleasurable and it provides relief – a way to settle all the thoughts in my head.

This was extremely empowering to reveal to my partner that I identify as asexual. He understands. We do still be physical, as I sense profound closeness as well as closeness to him at that time, and I am choosing intentionally when I feel the need to bond with him in that way. It isn’t that I have a sexual desire, but there exist other reasons to be intimate, such as wanting to be close. I observe his satisfaction, and that brings me joy. Likewise that someone who is sexual can choose to abstain, I can decide to engage in intimacy for alternative motivations than being turned on.

His Experience: Romance Beyond Sex

A 36-year-old man: “Just because sex isn’t the focus is not a sign that love is lacking.”

Physical intimacy had been super important to me. It’s where I got plenty of my self-esteem. I had been sick and in the hospital often as a teenager, so sex became an activity that I felt provided empowerment with my physical self. That started to transform when I met Sarah, as physical intimacy was no longer the most important thing between us.

With Sarah, I discovered more value in other parts of who I am, and it shifted focus away from sex. I have no desire to have sex with anyone else currently. If I ever feel like having sex, there are alternative methods I can manage it. Masturbation is one, but alternatively a long walk, reflecting on my thoughts or engaging in art.

Upon her discovery of this part of herself, I started to understand that connection is more about bonding. This can occur during sex, but additionally via different forms that are just as valuable and gratifying. I once had a set understanding of this identity – without sexual activity, you would not experience desire. But it exists on a continuum, and it needs exploration to determine where you stand within it.

Our relationship has lasted for almost a decade, and the fact that sex isn’t the main focus is not a sign that love is lacking. Setting aside dedicated moments for that is crucial for both of us. Occasionally we work on these adult Lego sets and build them step by step every morning, which is deeply bonding. Or we plan a special night and head out for a non-alcoholic drink and a pizza. We embrace and discuss futures for the future, which is an act of love. I get a lot of pleasure from sharing food, and it leaves me deeply fulfilled in a kind of post-intimacy feeling.

This aspect has just expanded the idea of our bond. It resembles reducing the tools at your disposal for your relationship – you must find new ways using available means. It encourages you to think creatively. But it never reduced the love that I feel for her at all.